Men Jokes
Chief Worrier
A man applied to Sheffield Wednesday FC for a job on the administrative staff.
‘What we’re really looking for here,’ said the chairman, ‘is what you might call
a “chief worrier”!
Someone to worry about things like falling attendances, finances, league
promotion, violence on the terraces, and so on. For a chap like that we’d be
prepared to pay £100,000 a year. Interested?’
‘Certainly,’ said the applicant.
‘But - you’ll pardon me for saying this, I hope - where on earth is Sheffield
Wednesday going to find that sort of money for a job like this?’
‘Ah!’ said the chairman. ‘That would be your first worry.’
Women vs. Dogs
Q: What’s the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman hollering on the back porch?
A: If you let them both inside, the dog will stop barking.
What Men Hear When Women Speak
What a woman says: “This place is a mess C’mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you’ll have no clothes to wear, if we don’t do laundry right now!”What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C’mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now !
The Wrong Way
As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!”"It’s not just one car,” said Herman, “It’s hundreds of them!”
Seconds To Live
Man walks into the Doctors office. “I have the results of your test and I’m afraid your going to die” Says the Doctor. The Man asks “How long do I have to live?” “Ten”, replies the Doctor. “What the hell does that mean”, the Man asks. “Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?” The Doctor Replies “Nine”
Sewage, Oh no
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake.The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was thebest laugh he’d ever had.
New scientific element : MAN
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging. Samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
If Men made the Rules
1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret, girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad orangry, we meant the other way.
4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
5. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
6. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
9. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
11. When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.
12. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
Gonna Get Lucky
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.”Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the night”.”We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father was a pharmacist.”
Ears lookin at you
A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, “This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?” The guy says, “Well damn! You got no ears man!” So the boss yells, “Get out!” The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, “This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?” The guy says, “That’s easy, you got no ears!” So the boss says, “Get out!” As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, “The boss has no ears so don’t say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it.” So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, “This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?” The guy says, “Your wearing contacts!”And the boss says, “Yeah, how did you know?” So the guy replies, “Well darn, you can’t wear glasses cause you ain’t got no ears.”