Marriage Jokes
Gift for a Birthday
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses… one for each year of her life.That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
Finding Perfect Men
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.”The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!” An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”
Cheap Plastic Rings
A groom buys the engagement ring at a jewelry store. As the groom enters the room, we “have been talking about” the news that says the jewelry store he just went to is being investigated for selling plastic diamonds to unknowledgeable customers. This didn’t work too well but maybe if you have better actors in your group it would.
Annoy This Husband
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman’s horse mis-steps and jostles the man’s wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, “That’s one.” The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.A bit further down the path, the woman’s horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, “That’s two!” He returns to his saddle and they move on.As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman’s horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman’s horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, “That’s three,” removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, “That’s terrible, why would you do such a thing!”The man stares at his wife and firmly says, “That’s one!”
Wedding To Bust Dealers
As supposedly reported on CNN:Undercover police, staging the wedding of “a drug kingpin’s daughter”, let it be known on the street that dealers were “invited” (i. e. Expected to attend).The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was “S. P. O. C.” (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.The long-sought dealers were arrested after the “band” took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? “I Fought The Law, And The Law Won”
Kid View On Marriage
What Exactly Is Marriage?
“Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents” -Eric, six years old
“When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.’ Then she says yes, but she’s wondering what the thing is and whether it’s naughty or not. She can’t wait to find out.” -Anita, nine years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.” -Kelly, nine years old”My mother says to look for a man who is kind….That’s what I’ll do….I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome.” -Carolyn, eight years old
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife” -Bert, five years old
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
“They were at a dance party at a friend’s house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down…It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values.” -Lottie, nine years old
“My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won’t tell me what kind.” -Jeremy, eight years old
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” -Martin, ten years old
“Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love.” -Craig, nine years old
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” -Allan, ten years old
“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you….If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” -Kally, nine years old
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
“You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan” -Kirsten, ten years old”
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them” -Anita, nine years old
“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” -Will, seven years old
A Mother Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in wordsWhodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”
A Secret Pregnant Lover
At the rehearsal dinner for my boss’ daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didn’t marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss’ wife, and I am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.
Save Your Marriage
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.
The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, “If you wish to save your marriage, you’d better be a little boulder.”