Computer Jokes
Internet Commandments
12. Thou shalt not downloadeth porn on thine work computer, lest ye be cast out.
11. Thou shalt *** EARN *** REDEMPTION *** FAST!!!! ***
10. Thou shalt not make for yourself a graven image of that which is copyrighted.
9. Thou shalt not pop up any unwanted windows before me, for I shall smite them immediately with a hasty click and read them not.
8. Thou shalt use no browser other than Internet Explorer, for thy Gates is a jealous Gates.
7. Thou shalt not forward chain letters. Instead, send these commandments to ten friends, and help save the life of a small child in Bogota!
6. Thou shalt not act like a hot 18-year chick in a chat room when thou art a pudgy, pimply-faced Trekkie.
5. Spam not, lest ye be spammed tenfold.
4. Thou shalt not spill your kinky guts and then click “Reply to all.”
3. Thou shall not call thyself “Richard P. Smith” online when “Chesty LaRue” sounds so much better.
2. Remember thou the Neimann-Marcus cookie recipe and keep it holy.
1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife - and thou shalt rejoice in the loophole that Tommy Lee is technically not thy neighbor.
Dogs Do not Use Computers
10 Can’t stick your head out of Windows ‘95
9 Fetch command not available on all platforms
8 Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit
7 Can’t help attacking the screen upon hearing “You’ve Got Mail”
6 Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway you’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working
5 Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software
4 Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies tail-wagging
3 ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
2 Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver
1 Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms
Highways like the Internet
“Think of the Internet as a highway.”
There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the “Information Superhighway.” They don’t know didley about the net. It’s nothing like a superhighway. That’s a rotten metaphor.
Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways were like the net…
A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at every intersection.
No signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a single-occupant- vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking on a car phone.
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Shooting Yourself in the Foot
In Various Programming Languages
C:
You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++:
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can’t tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, “That’s me, over there.”
FORTRAN:
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, than you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
COBOL:
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
LISP:
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ….
BASIC:
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH:
Foot in yourself shoot.
Pascal:
The compiler won’t let you shoot yourself in the foot.
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New Power Supply
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker’s technical support line for assistance…
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer…
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply…
Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files…
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it…
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command…
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician’s efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…
Technician: I’m sorry. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there’s an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem…
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line ‘LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE’ at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes…
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…
Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking…
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22…
Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of DOS doesn’t include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out…
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…
Customer: I need a new power supply…
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply…
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE…
Nerd Season
A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, “Nerds Not Allowed — Enter at Your Own Risk.”
He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
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Installing Software
This one borders on the unbelievable, but it’s 100% true. It didn’t happen to me, - it happened to my fellow late night tech, Jason.
Caller: I installed a bunch of CD’s, but the programs are missing.
Jason: Was the CD Rom drive working??
Caller: Yes, I installed the CD’s
Jason: Well, let me install one with you to make sure you’re doing it right. Open your CD Rom Drive.
Caller: My what??
Jason: Your Cd Rom drive - push the button.
Caller: I don’t know what you mean??
Jason: Well, how did you install the CD’s?
Caller: I just pushed them in the slot.
Jason: And where are they now?
Caller: I don’t know - in the machine I guess.
Jason: Ummm, will you please gently tilt your tower
Caller: *tilts tower - sound of falling Cd’s*
Ok, you get the point - the caller was shoving her CD’s in one of the little cracks between the front panels on her computer, and they just fell inside. She thought she was “installing” them. When the computer was opened, there were over 20 cd’s inside.
The scary part is, she actually EARNED enough money to buy a computer. Somebody PAYS her for something. Disturbing.
Robotic Secretary
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.
“Hey, bud, how are ya?”
“I’m good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!”
“Well, I’m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she’s a robot!”
“No way, how could that be?”
“Way! She’s the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that’s not all, she can have sex, too!”
“Holy shit! You’re kidding, right?”
“No, she’s something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her.”
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming “Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp” Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!”
The guy says, “Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!”
Mother McGee Gets Techie
Mother McGee went to drive C:
to find her poor Windows a byte
But when she inquired, all drive space expired
And not even Stacker would put it right.
Little Miss Muffet opened her notebook
and called on WordPerfect to write
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
and explained how the function keys worked.
Jack and Jill are married still
but things look kinda scary
He loves a PC; she’s fond of a Mac
and RISC makes both of them wary.
Mary had a little Lan
Then, she wanted more
First she bought a lot of RAM
Then part interest in a computer store.
The User Prayer
Dear God,
Help me log on without fretting
Guide me as I’m interneting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from exploding.
May my website be protected
Let not my password be rejected
Keep my line connection clear……
and let tech support be always near!
Please keep all my programs alive,
and be sure to back up my hard drive!
And protect my puter from catching
……a virus and end up crashing!
Amen