Computer Jokes
Software Engineering Terms
Glossary of Product Terminology
NEW: Different colors from previous version.
ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn’t understand it.
NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time. The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0
Computerised Airlines
The world’s first fully computerised airliner was ready for its maiden flight with out pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the
steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
“Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman,” a voice intoned as the airplane lifted off. “Welcome to the debut of the world’s first fully computerised airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run
electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong……..nothing can go wrong……nothing can go wrong……”
Relaxed Ethical Standards
The class discussion centered on the university’s coed dorms.
While the professor said this cohabitation of men and women
reflected the newer generation’s relaxed ethical standards,
many students disagreed. Finally one student asked, “You mean
you never walked into a woman’s dorm after hours when you were
in college?
“Never,” the teacher replied firmly. “I had to climb in through
the window.”
Life cycle of software
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. See 3.
6. See 4.
7. See 5.
8. See 6.
9. See 7.
10. See 8.
11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12. Users find 137 new bugs.
13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
19. See step 2
Bugs In Windows 2000
12. Every time you hit the space bar, hundreds of Ritz crackers fly out of the CD-ROM drive.
11. The so-called “help” file is really just a collection of lame “Chicken Soup for the Soul” anecdotes.
10. Refuses to install new programs until you’ve achieved “clear” status.
9. You hit “delete” and the guy in the next cubicle is instantly transported to Albuquerque.
8. In the middle of your fastest game of Minefield yet, the Stephen Hawking office assistant pops up and says, “It looks like you’re trying to arrive at a Unified Field Theory. Can I help you?”
7. Incorrect installation of printer drivers launches a nuclear strike against France.
6. Dreaded “Blue Screen of Death” replaced by less fearsome “Hamster Dance Screen of Death.”
5. Too easy to win new “Whack-a-Reno” game.
4. Default search options include “Body Cavity Search.”
3. Replaces hilarious, intellectual, pithy Top5 list items with crude junior high school humor.
2. Any time you empty the Recycle Bin, NASA loses another Mars Lander.
1. Changes “.gov” domain to “.bite-me” domain every time.
Tomato Millionaire
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.
Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.
(more…)
Addicted to the Web
Sung To The Tune Of “Winter Wonderland.”
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy — although
My boss let me go –
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter, “No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!”
I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!
Talented Engineer
The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.
The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, “WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!”
Birth of Yahoo
An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .
And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
(more…)
Lost In Haze
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said, “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”