Business Jokes
Lawyers arrive in Japan
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan’s well-oiled economic machine. It’s only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it’s something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What’s more, two of them are from New York!The decline has begun.Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it’s the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?
Looks bad on resume cover letters
1. I’m really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
3. I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with “I was recently acquitted.”
6. I’m really tall, so I think I’d be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. I’m confident that I’ll get this job. The voices told me.
Keeping a high Profile in an Office
Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants to talk whenever you’re ready.Don’t sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and remember that most people are a bit deaf so speak up louder!Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener, so that they don’t feel left out.The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone else’s desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or hanging over their screen.Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard. People love surprises, especially if they’re busy.The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are concentrating. It’s your _duty_ to give them a break now and again.To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a “Do No Disturb” sign. When other people use them they’re only joking.Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone will think you’ve got something to hide.If the phone isn’t answered after four rings, hang on. Someone will answer it eventually, and they might like a chat, too.Never divert calls if you’re leaving your desk. Your telephone could get into bad habits.Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to others to know that you’re still there.If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.
Japanese Management Lecture
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.”You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution,” screamed the terrorist leader, “and you’re going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?”The Englishman spoke first.”Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing “God Save The Queen” to all you men.”"That can be arranged,” said the terrorist.The Frenchman said, “And I want to honor my country before I die by singing “The Marseilles” to your men.”The Japanese said, “Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management.”The terrorist turned finally to the American.”What is your last request?”The American replied, “I want you to kill me right now so I don’t have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!”
I have a Big Problem
Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit. Boris says to Bill, “Bill, you know, I have a big problem. I don’t know what to do about it. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don’t know which one.”"Not a big deal Boris, I’m stuck with a hundred economists I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it’s never the same one.”
Investment Counselor
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.”As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?”"Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” asked the investment counselor.The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”
How You Made Money
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”"And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.”Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
Hiring an Accountant
Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, “What is three times seven?”"Twenty-two,” Kowalski replied.After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn’t get the job.About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, “Well, you were the closest.”
Half a Year to Live
A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live.The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota.
The woman asks: will this cure my illness?
The doctor replies: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.
Finding Accountants
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”