Animal Jokes
Vampire Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.”OK, follow me” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked. “Yes, Yes, Yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good” said the bat, “Because I sure as hell didn’t!”
Three Legged Chicken
A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck.Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn’t cause an accident with the chicken.The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken. The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the 3-legged chicken. As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm. The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front. Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens.After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens. “Well we figure,” said the farmer, “that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken. But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own.” “That’s pretty wise,” said the man, who then asked “Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste?”"I don’t know,” said the farmer. “We’ve never been able to catch one.”
Three Tough Rats
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!”The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!”Then the third rat gets up and says, “Later guys, I’m off home to harass the cat.”
Two Angry Neighbors
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. After about a year and a half of Bob’s cow crapping in Bill’s yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill’s house. Bob runs over and demands to know what’s in the 18-wheeler. ‘My new pet elephant,’ Bill replies solemly.
Sounds of the Wild
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: “What does the cow say?”
Child: “Moo!”
Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”
Child: “Meow.”
Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?” And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, “Bud.”
Steven Wright on Dogs
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building…on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he’s gone.I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd.
Racoon Joke
Why did the raccoon cross the road? He didn’t, he got hit by a car.
Rabbits Chased by Wolf
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”
Purchasing a New Bird
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband’s attention, he’d just shrug her off with some bored comment.This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported “Goony bird” and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, “Goony bird! The table!”Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, “Goony bird! The shelf!”Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.”Wow!” said the wife, “If this doesn’t attract my husband’s attention, nothing will!” So she bought the bird and took it home.When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. “Honey!” she exclaimed, “I’ve got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!”The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, “Goony Bird, my foot!”
Nine things dogs don’t understand
1. It’s not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It’s wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn’t jump on your bed when he’s sopping wet.
4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
7. Just because I’m eating, doesn’t mean you can.
8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I’m not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
9. No, it’s my food….Oh alright then, just a small piece.