First, she called on little Tom, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.” “Very good, Tom,” replied the teacher.

She then called on little Jack. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said. “Excellent, Jack!”

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. “Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, …just f*cking beautiful!

“I…..Doooon’t…..knoooow…
It… all… happened….. soooooo … fasssst…..”

“A mongoose.”

“What for?”

“Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.”
“But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.”

“That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, “So is the mongoose.”

“Now listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature i shall personally do to you”

“In that case,” said the boy, “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say “You’re a handsome man!” The man looked around, but still couldn’t see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again “What a stud you are!” The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said “Oh, it’s the nuts–they’re complimentary.”

After a moment he asks “Anyone got a problem with that?” The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, “And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!” Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, “Anyone got a problem with that?” A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

“You got a problem, buddy?”

“Oh no; I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.”

The man replies “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.”

The engineer said “No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”

The programmer said “I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I would like some blood.”

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I would like some plasma.”

The waitress looks up and says, “Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?”

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”

“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change.”

“Well”, the bartender says, “I’ve got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!”

The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves.

About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they’ve got another jar of twenties there.

“What’s the deal now?” He asks.

“Well”, the bartender says, “That damn horse won’t stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!”

The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him.

“Alright”, he says, “You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!”

He strode over to a monkey, and roared “Who is the Mightiest of Animals?”

“You are, Master,” said the monkey, cowering.

Then the lion approached a warthog. “Who is the Mightiest of Animals?” roared the lion.

“You are, my Lord,” said the warthog, quivering with fear.

Next the lion met an elephant. “Who is the Mightiest of Animals?” roared the lion.

The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, swung him in the air, slammed him ten times against a tree trunk, threw him into a dense patch of thorns, and strolled away.

“Okay!” shouted the lion. “There’s no need to turn nasty just because you don’t know the answer!”

The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the drivr is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body.

The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.” The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, “$350.” “$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!” exclaims the man. “Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan.”

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry.” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice in the butt?”

The other tiger replied, “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”

“No.”

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” the man says indignantly.

“That’s not my dog.”

2)What do you call a very old ant?
An antique!

3)Why did the robin go to the library?
To find bookworms!

4)What’s striped and jumps?
A zebra with hiccups

5)What’s little and quick and has 32 wheels?
A spider on roller skates!

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, “Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?”

“Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!”

Jatti: Moya fansi lai la.

Laloo: 64 nahi 32 dand hunde ne, phaji.

Santa: Mainu pata c tu v vich bolna a, iss lai tere v vich gin lye.

Santa Kumar nu agge ja ke dekhan da moka nahi c mil reha. Clever Santa cried: “Hai mera bapu…”

Bheer ne Santa nu agge jan dita. Agge ja ke dekhya ta…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…khota marya pya c !!!!

Kiyon…

Kiyon ki doctor ne kiha si: Aj tera pet kharaab hai, light hi khana.

Ik kudi Bante de gal lag ke ron lag payi.

Santa to girl: Idhar aao ji, eh mere vi ohi lagde c jo Bante de lagde c.

Old Man: Roti nahi khani, sahmne vali buddhi nu smile deni hai

Sardar: Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting, but forgot to stop it!!

Sardar: Thank God!! I was born after 1773. Had I born earlier, I would have died…

Sardar: Give two tickets

Conductor: Why two?

Sardar: If I lose one, another will be there

Conductor: What if you lose both?

Sardar: No problem, I have pass…

Sardar: “It is the loan given to purchase a cycle”

Sardar: “Apple Khane”

Monkey: “Yeh to mango tree”

Sardar: “Idiot, apple saath laaya hoon”

Because the doctor told him to check sugar regularly

Ik te mera hath uthe tak nahi janda a
Dusra, Eh khayal dupehar nu aanda a.

Josh said, “Gee, I never knew you played hockey.”

Andy responded, “No I don’t. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television.”

“Well, Johnny” says the Judge, “Would you like to live with your Mother?”

“No” replied Johnny, “she hits me all the time”

“Well then,” the Judge continues, “Would you like to live your your Father?”

“No” replied Johnny again, “He hits me all the time too!”

The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy “Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?”

“I’d like to live with Watford Football Club” the boy replied quickly.

“Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?” replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.

“Well” replied Johnny, “They never beat anyone

Eventually, they pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where Hilary could clearly see a middle aged man masturbating with great enthusiasm. The doctor quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was too late, Hilary had already seen.

She fiercely looked at the doctor and said, “What kind of hospital are you running here Doctor?”

The doctor calmly explained that the man had a very rare ailment, which required him to ejaculate three times daily, or his testicles would swell and he would die. Hilary accepted the doctor’s explanation and they moved on.

A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they witnessed a nurse on her knees giving a different middle aged man oral sex. Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation.

“It’s very simple Mrs. Clinton”, said the doctor. “This man suffers from the same ailment as the last man, however he has a much better health plan.”

The first blonde says, “I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat.” With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.

The second blonde says, “I need to get off this island, I need jetski”

With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.

The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says,” Just give me a million dollars, I’ll take the bridge

Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, “It’s that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment.”

“Ah,” she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his member out.

Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, “Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!”

The young man gives her a stern look and say, “You shouldn’t laugh, it’s been swollen like that for two weeks now!”

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde screams back at the husband, “Shut up! You’re next!”

Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, “It’s that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment.”

“Ah,” she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his member out.

Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, “Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!”

The first blonde says, “I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat.” With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.

The second blonde says, “I need to get off this island, I need jetski”

With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.

The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says,” Just give me a million dollars, I’ll take the bridge.”

The first guy asked the genie to make him smarter so he got turned into a red-head.

The second guy wanted to be even smarter than the first, so the genie turned him into a brunette.

Then the last guy wished to be even smarter than both his friends…

…so the genie turned him into a woman

The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.”

“No, from all that skipping.”

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”

She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”

• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

• BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

• Close your eyes and press escape three times.

• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

• Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

• Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”

He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, “Hey where am I?”

The man replies, “You’re in an airplane.” The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away.
Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

“Quite easy,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East.”

• Customer: “How much do Windows cost?”
Tech Support: “Windows costs about $100.”
Customer: “Oh, that’s kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?”

• Tech Support: “Do you have any windows open right now?”
Customer: “Are you crazy woman, it’s twenty below outside…”

• “I try to avoid using Microsoft. That’s why I use MS-DOS.”

• Tech Support: “How can I help you?”
Customer: “Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not.”
Tech Support: “What program is it?”
Customer: “It’s called ‘MSDOS Prompt’.”
Tech Support: “What’s wrong with it?”
Customer: “Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: ‘C:\WINDOWS>’, and it just sits there and doesn’t do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows.”

• Customer: “File manager? What’s that?”
Tech Support: “How long have you had your computer?”
Customer: “Three years.”

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that’s why beer is so good for you!

“But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “If you say you paid, you did.”

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.”

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face.”

“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

“No.”

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” the man says indignantly.

“That’s not my dog.”

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”

“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: When your nose touches the ceiling!

Q: What do you call an elephant that flies?
A: A jumbo jet!

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?
A: He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

Q: Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
A: Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!

Q: Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
A: Because they couldn’t hold their trunks up!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God

They think their picture is being taken

GoofyHueyLouieDeweyDaisyDonaldMickeyMinniePhoenix

When she was asked why she had such a long password, she said, “The boss said that my password had to be at least eight characters long and have at least one capital.”

One puzzled student asked, “What gender is computer?” The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (”la computer”), because

1.No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3.Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
4.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine “le computer”) because:

1.In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2.They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves
3.They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4.As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model

He decided to try to break the new to his friends and invited friends to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.

The dog however did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting wet more than his paws. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded his friend. “He can’t swim.

Then one of the elephants says: “Look yaar, 3600 – 2400 – 3600!!”

The owner of the restaurant says, “Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don’t understand.”

The panda says, “Look it up in the dictionary,” and walks out of the door.

So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading “Panda”. It reads:

“Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.”

Ek ne gana shuru kiya

Jaisey hi gana band kiya baki ke do gir padein!

Bolo kyon?

ohooo! eis liye

Baki dono ne tali bajai…

One day the mosquito got excited and gave a love bite to the dog.

The dog became emotional and returned the love bite to the mosquito.

The next day…Mosquito died of rabies and dog died of malaria…

What a touching story !!!

 

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
“Dam.”

What do fish play on the piano?
Scales.

Which fish is the most valuable?
A goldfish.

Why don’t oysters give to charity?
Because they are shellfish

Why don’t fish play tennis?
They might get caught in the net.

Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
They have their own scales

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?”

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn’t a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked underneath her skirt.

“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly,”you’ve got a Double-Barrel!”

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn’t understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time. The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0

Without hesitating, an American Admiral replied: “Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.” The group became silent.