Sloth vs Turtles
A sloth calls the police to report that he was attacked and robbed by a gang of turtles. When the police ask him to describe the attack, he replies:
“I…..Doooon’t…..knoooow…
It… all… happened….. soooooo … fasssst…..”
Raining All Night
There once was 3 fish (the mom,dad,son) who needed a place to sleep.The mom slept in the kitchen sink.The dad slept in the the bathtub.The son slept in the toilet.The next morning the dad asked the mom how her night was.”Okay, but it was a little too small, said the mom” The mom asked the dad how his night was.”Just fine. There was a lot of room to swim,” said the dad.The dad asked his son how his night was.”Horrible!!”, said the son. It was raining scat and logs all night long!!”
I get so drunk that I imagine things
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?”
“A mongoose.”
“What for?”
“Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.”
“But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.”
“That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, “So is the mongoose.”